It's A Journey

 

 



I was organizing and editing photos a few weeks ago and I noticed that over the last year I've taken fifty or so photos of roads.  I have pictures of everything from the busy interstate to meandering farm roads that are simply two trails of dirt leading through high grass.  After I noticed this I looked back over photos I had taken throughout my life and found that when I am in a season of uncertainty or great change I take lots of photos of the roads around me...

I have Polaroids of the bumpy dirt road that leads to my grandparent's house in Maine... the only place in my childhood that ever really felt like "home".

I have misty photos of the roads that I traveled over in the Yukon while on a long road trip with my grandparents... this was the summer before I went to Jr. High, always a time of transition... by the way you couldn't pay me enough to go back to Jr. High.

I have photos of the drive leading to Berkshire... boarding school, away from home, away from friends, filled with uncertainty... to be clear I chose to go away to school, it was not a punishment and I'm still really glad I had the experience.

I have photos of the roads leading to Steamboat through Wyoming... a last road trip before college that I took with my Dad... there was a whole speeding ticket fiasco, but we don't need to get into it ;)

and so on...

Last fall I went home to Fort Collins.  Yes, I had been there many times since we had moved away but I had never really been "home".  I was always careful to stay on the south end of town and to avoid places that held painful memories for me... I didn't do that last September... I booked a room at the Marriott and forced myself to visit all the places that haunted my dreams.  I allowed myself to feel the pain and fear associated with those places and the memories.  I visited the person with whom I had shared most of these moments.  I drove up to Horsetooth reservoir, sat on the rocks surrounding the water and just felt... I cried, I screamed; I am certain I looked totally crazy.  I drove up the Poudre Canyon and let myself just be, only me... alone but okay.  It was such a hard weekend.

The constant that remained throughout the weekend was that every place I went I took a picture of the roads... it was not done with conscious thought... I didn't even notice until now, a year later.
 

I realize now that I'm on a journey.  A journey that has no real beginning, other than birth, and possibly no real ending, other than death.  I cannot force myself to move faster.  My journey has it's own pace.  My companions along the way have their own pace and their own journeys.  I must walk alone sometimes.  Yet, I am never truly alone for the Lord is with me and He alone knows where my destination is. 

It's an interesting place for me to be, somewhere that has no definite, because I am a planner... I want to know what happens next and what exactly that means for me... so to be really clear I'm uncomfortable... and to tell the truth I actually kinda like it.

Are you uncomfortable?  Do you like it?  

Have you noticed any reoccurring themes in

your photos that are trying to tell you something?

Relishing Routine (Updated)

It's our last week of summer break. 

I'm sad and excited; sad because it means that I won't get to hang out with the kiddo all day and excited because he is excited to learn new things and go back to school.  I'm excited to go back to school this fall too but mostly because I'm only taking one... REALLY hard..... class.

We have our traditional list of things we try to do this last week, sort of our last summer hurrah...

1. Buy school supplies.


2. Buy new shoes... for C and me.


3. See one last movie. Cats and Dogs in 3D... it was super cute!


4. Go out for ice cream cones.


5. Try to catch one last community event... thinking a concert at Streets of Southglenn.


6. Haircuts.


7. Lunch in downtown with Aaron. Pasquini's in the Highlands (the photo above) YUMMY!


8. Sleepover at Grandma's (we did this last week but might sneak back up this week)


9. At least one night camping out under the stars. Headed out in 10 min!


10. Soaking up the last rays of summer at the pool. I'll miss this.

We also have our "To Do" list of things that aren't so fun to do but help us get ready for the new school year...

1. Going to bed by 8pm (for C)


2. Getting out of bed by 6:30am (C has no problem with this)


3. Labeling all the new school supplies and getting his bag packed for the first day.


4. Laundry.... laundry.... and more laundry.


5. Getting healthy dinners cooked and on the table by 6:30pm so there is enough time for hanging out afterwards.


6. Shower and PJs after dinner... no more going back to the pool.


7. Loading the fridge and pantry with breakfast and lunch packing essentials... no more relying on the snack bar for emergency rations. (Yes, we really do live at the pool in the summer.)


8. Cutting out TV and computer games in the mornings.


9. Adding back in good-read-aloud-books before bed... going with The Chronicles of Narnia this fall.


10. For me it means cleaning up my desk and making new files on my computer for my fall class, clean space = clean mind... maybe.

The funny thing is that I LOVE getting back into the routine of the school year... I'm crazy like that... I love schedules and routines... I like knowing what's going to happen next. I know this isn't shocking to most of you, but for me there is a certain comfort in knowing what is going to be around the next corner or over the next hill.  I thrive on being able to excel in a contained environment.  That's been the hardest part of this last year... I had no routine, no clear idea of what my routine should be, and no set schedule... the times I was happiest were when I did have these things or at least a vague outline of them. 

The confinement of routine is comforting to me.

I've learned something new about myself... or maybe just remembered something old and ingrained... either way I'm happy knowing another things that makes me... well... happy.

So how do you get ready for the new school year? 

Do you have any great ideas to add to our last week list?

Life IS good.

Sometimes it is very easy for me to slip into the world of "Why me?" or "Why not?" or "What if?".  Sometimes I can only see the not-so-good parts of my day; the parts that make me sad.  I focus on the things that are missing from my life instead of celebrating the amazing bits of goodness that flood each day.  I've found that being thankful for those good piece of my day helps to shake me out of my funk and see things in a much better light. 

Today I want to be washed in the warm waters of gratitude for my blessings instead of being swamped by the stench of stagnant questioning. 

I wanted to share a short list of some of those really great bits of my summer days that I am so thankful for...

• At my new place there are birds that sing from the trees into my window every morning and "super cute" baby bunnies are hopping about in the green grass each day. 

• I get to spend every day with this cute kiddo!  He is so very me... always questioning, always pushing a little too far to see where his boundaries lie, always leaving cups everywhere... but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Seeing things through his eyes changes my perspective and makes the world seem shiny and bright again; he sees the world as full of possibility.

• I get a hearty greeting from all the kids at the pool every day as soon as I open my car door. "Houston!" they shout... it's like Cheers... someplace where everyone knows your name!

• I get to live in Colorado; one look toward the west and you know there is a Creator and He is good.

Life IS good.

What are you thankful for today?

Me & C

C is me. 

He is smart, funny and kind. 

He is impatient, determined and stubborn. 

He loves freely.

He gives generously.

He likes to create, sketch and write.
He loves a good book.
He sings along with the radio.

He makes me laugh.

He makes me cry.


He throws his dirty clothes on the floor.
He leaves cups all over the house.
He "collects" so much you can't see the top of his dresser.

He is all mine.
I'm so very lucky.

Simplify

I was talking with a friend yesterday and they were asking if I wanted to buy a trailer, like for camping, I'll admit I've wanted one previously, not a big one just one of those cute tiny teardrop ones, but yesterday I realized I didn't want one. 

I like tent camping. 

I like fires outside at night with hot dogs and s'mores. 

I like things simple. 

I turned to my friend and said "No, I don't want a trailer.  I've learned all I really need is a blanket to sit on, a good book to read, a notebook to write in, a dog to hang out with, my silly kiddo, good friends, good beer, and a camera.  I'm pretty darn happy with just those things." and it's true, I am. 

I like my how my life has become more simplified.  Technology gets in the way of actually enjoying life.  Not that I'm tossing the computer any time soon, let's face it I take digital photos and I type a heck of a lot faster than I write by hand... but I don't need it to have a better life. 

Ahhh.... learning, living, loving, laughing... it's all good.

Oh and check out this awesome post over at the Brave Girls Club!

Second Chances - The Hard Work of A Miracle

So yesterday I talked about how second chances can be viewed as a blessing even when they don't go the way we want or think they should... even when the ending just sucks.  I can see some of you sitting on the other side of your screen and thinking I'm just too Pollyanna for my own good, but the reality is that I'm a world-class control freak, overly sentimental and an all-or-nothing kind of girl, so for me the only way to look at disappointments is to find the silver lining otherwise I'll just drown in the sadness of losing whatever it is that I've invested myself so fully into.

I wanted to talk about the hard work that comes along with a second chance.  Second chances are not easy, they are truly a miracle, but there is still an amazing amount of work involved in making them a success... I'm learning this over and over again, trust me...

Throughout the year I have been calling out to God...
'Please show me what to do.'   
'Help me to mend the pain I've caused.'   
'Please show me what is best for my son!' 
I didn't feel as though I was getting any answers... I began to beg and plead...
'Help me Lord, hear me, answer me!'

Well, He must have heard me loud and clear because suddenly everything I thought I had done such a great job of building up was lying in ruins around me and He was saying... "Wait, be patient, I will show you... For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Waiting is not something I'm good at... I'm all about instant gratification, which is due to the fact that I fear I will lose whatever it is that I want so badly if I have to wait for it...  I tried to obey and waited... I did not do it perfectly by any stretch of the imagination and I am still not. 

So what I'm getting at is that second chances are a miracle and a blessing but also so much work... don't give up... but if it doesn't work out the way you hoped... always look for the blessings that you've gained from the experience.

A big hug for the journey,
Houston

Lessons From The Garden

Right now I'm trying to hang onto the positive and lasting things that I've learned or discovered in the last year.  I'm writing, here, these precious lessons so that I can remember them and maybe someone out there, someone I don't even know, will learn from them too...

I've discovered that gardening is one of God's greatest forms of therapy... the calm that comes while planting the first seeds, the patience it takes to wait for them to grow, the inner pride you feel when the plant is strong enough to go from house to garden, true elation when it bears fruit. 

Time is required, time is essential, it does not all happen in one day, it takes months of careful love and tending; patience and nurturing is required for all things to grow strong.

A garden is not perfect, there are weeds that must be pulled, soil that must be fertilized, pruning that is essential for proper growth.  I am reminded that we are not perfect that relationships are not perfect; every good thing requires work.

I learned how good it feels to do the work, how warm the soil is at the end of an early summer day, how the dead leaves will simply come off of the stem when they should if you are patient and let them wither, how the death of these leaves is essential to the health of the plant. 

I relished in pulling the weeds that grew where they were not wanted; creating space for the plants to grow and breathe.  Sometimes the weeds came out of the soil with ease and other times their roots were so deep that it took digging to remove them, sometimes these tough ones were the smallest.  I think of my heart and how there are weeds growing there, how some come away easily while others will leave a mark when dug out but I will be healthier when they are gone, I will have space to grow.

My sorrow is that I won't see the garden I helped tend wither and sleep in the fall.  There are lessons in that as well and I am sure that I will learn them in time.  I think the ones I have learned are ones I needed to know right now, for this time in my life.

I've started growing things of my own in my little tree house apartment.  I'm enjoying watching them grow and tending them with care, they are protected here, it's not the same as a garden exposed to the elements but I think sometimes a little protection is necessary too.

I hope you're all having a beautiful summer.

The Best Friends... EVER... really

Image found on the web

So this post has been in process for a few weeks... but the truth is it is also long overdue.

I'm blessed to have an amazing bunch of girlfriends. I didn't always have that.  I've had a hard time making solid connections with women, I think it's a whole trust-issue thing, but I have some of the most wonderful women in my life and they support me even when they don't understand what I'm thinking or doing... and that's HUGE!

I came home bruised and broken-hearted two weeks ago.  I had just lost something in my life that I thought was forever, someone that I loved and trusted had turned their back on me hours before I was to walk through the courtroom doors and end my marriage.  I was kicked hard when I was already down.  I was a wreck.... but you know what... the women in my life surrounded me and picked me up, gently wiped away my tears, served me some sangrias and listened to me pour out the pain.  These women gave me so much of their own time even after I had all but abandoned them for this other relationship.  They held me when I was hurting.  They showed me what unconditional really means.

Thank you ladies, you all know who you are and I truly value you so much.  I love you all.

To Do: at 32

To Do:

• Go new places.
• Try new things.
• Give C more freedom = let him make his own mistakes.
• Call friends more often just to chat.
• Write.
• Write letters.
• Create.
• Play.
• Love freely.
• Enjoy life.

Thanks everyone for all the birthday messages yesterday!

Seeing Grey

I'm halfway through this year of "Learning" (my OLW for 2010) and I'm still just at the beginning of my journey.  You see I have always thought of the world as black and white.  I truly believed that things were either good or bad, that they were true or false, right or wrong.  I'm the girl who colors within the lines.  I thought that my way of thinking was the "right" way.  I was so very blind.

I've discovered in the last few months that the only way to really enjoy life, to truly live life, is to see and embrace the areas of grey.

It's really hard for me to embrace the grey.  The areas where things are not so cut and dry, not so mapped out, not so black and white.  I have to constantly tell myself to relax.  I must keep remembering that control is only an illusion.  I must breathe and try to live in the moment because I will never have that exact moment again. I have to take off the blinders in order to really see all the beauty life has to offer. I have to not have a plan.

So today I'm learning to see the grey and trying to embrace it.

Learn - Patience

Learn - to gain (a habit, mannerism, etc.) by experience, exposure to example, or the like; acquire: She learned patience from her father.

I had to laugh at the example dictionary.com used for this definition of learn.  I most certainly did not learn patience from my father.  He is more impatient than I am, if that's possible.

I do however have a heavenly Father that works to teach me patience.  He whispers in my ear, in a voice only my heart can hear and He says "A patient man has great understanding,  but a quick-tempered man displays folly. A heart at peace gives life to the body," Proverbs 14:29-31 (NIV) The words dance in my head and in my heart.  I think upon them and I attempt to have peace and patience in my everyday life.  This is no easy task because my first instinct is to be impatient and react.  Yet I am finding, each day, that waiting grows easier.  I do have more peace when I am patient and truly wait until I understand a situation, or outburst of emotion, instead of pushing forward towards my selfish goals.  I do not do this perfectly, many times I have to take a deep breath and remind myself to calm down, be quiet, and wait. 

I am still learning.  I love that this is my word for this year.  It describes where I am at in life perfectly.

Reading, Writing, and Parking

Okay, so I'm back in school!   I am relieved that I am not the oldest person in my classes, although I don't think of 31 as old on any scale.  I love, love, love my law classes... thank God because working in the legal field is what I'm planning to do as a career.  I really like my regional geography professor but the book is boring me to tears... it's the big blue-ish one that is 12" tall and 10" wide and boast super fab 10 point type.  My online art appreciation class is pretty cool so far, I love the subject, the book is darn good and all my time on Studio Calico has prepared me well for the online class format ;)

My first week and half have contained a few learning experiences that I didn't expect...

• 
  
  I had to parallel park for the first time EVER and I totally did it!  I knew the basics, read about it (yes I am a book junkie) and then attempted it with great success, the first day that is... the second day I was a little too close to the curb, but we just won't talk about it. 
  
  
  
• 
  
  I had forgotten how sore your hand can be after taking four pages of notes. 
  
  
  
• 
  
  I discovered that most text books now come with a CD of all the notes, of course this was only after I spent three hours taking notes on the first chapter of my legal analysis book. 
  
  
  
• 
  
  I learned that if you want a parking space that is not patrolled by the city you have to get there by 9:30. 
  
  
  
• 
  
  I've decided not to take my laptop to class because really it's just a huge distraction for me and the sound of typing seems to annoy others. 
  
  
  
• 
  
  I've figured out that you should get on the first available elevator going up, even if it's packed already (luckily I remembered that bit of herd mentality from our Vegas trip). 
  
  
  
• 
  
  Oh and last but not least, take a bottle of water and a jacket, it's dry and sometimes super cold in the classrooms, the poor girl next to me was wearing gloves while taking notes today!
  
  
  

Well, that's really all I have time for... must get back to the North American realm and all it's tiny font glory...

The Soundtrack Of Life

This Christmas my sweet boy received an iPod shuffle and while I was loading it with him I started thinking about how, in life, we each create our own soundtrack.  I love that a song can come on and I am instantly transported to a time in my life when it was relevant to me. 

I hear the soundtrack to Les Miserables and the song Castle on A Cloud takes me back to the times when I dreamed that things would change in my world and between my parents. I knew every word to that soundtrack at one time... wonder if I still do?

When Alanis comes on in all her angst I can remember exactly where I was when I first heard her... driving down College Avenue in my little silver CRX, it was just before my senior year of high school.  Jagged Little Pill is still one of my favorite albums of all time.  You Learn played on repeat in my car and dorm room.  It's of course totally appropriate for my OLW 2010.  Her songs were catchy but I was attracted to her honest views of life and her lack of concern for what others thought.  I admired that she put herself, her authentic self, out there for the world to hear and see.

In college the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls was dedicated to me by a long time love and it breaks my heart every time I hear it.  "And I'd give up forever to touch you, because I know that you feel me somehow, you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be." "Sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight.  I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand.  When everything is made to be broken I just want you to know who I am.".  I have it on my iPod because it is an integral part of my life soundtrack; it plays and I cry.  I like that songs have the ability to stir such powerful emotions.

When I first had Coleman, Garth Brooks came out with a song called Wrapped Up In You.  I used to dance around the kitchen holding him and singing "How do I love you, well let me see, I love you like the lyric loves the melody... baby completely wrapped up in you.  How do I need you, well can't you tell, I need you like a penny needs a wishing well... baby completely wrapped up in you. How do I love you, well count the ways, there ain't no number high enough to end this phrase... baby completely wrapped up in you."  He still thinks I am a fantastic singer... he's a sweet boy and those words will always be true.

There have been a lot of good songs released in the past few years and I currently listen to a wide variety of music... the top ten most played songs on my iPod are... Better Days - The Goo Goo Dolls, I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews,  The House That Built Me - Miranda Lambert (if you don't own this song you really need to check it out), Keep You - Sugarland, Gravity - Sara Bareilles, Let Me Be Myself - 3 Doors Down, These Are The Days - 10,000 Maniacs, It Happens - Sugarland, Over My Head - The Fray and Good People - Jack Johnson... I'm a sucker for good lyrics, especially if they tell a story, and a haunting melody gets me every time.

What's on your life soundtrack?

ETA: I don't only listen to sad/realistic song... I may or may not have a Hannah Montana song in my 25 most played... I'm just sayin'.

Never...

I was really inspired by Cathy Z's post about all the things she has never done, been or been able to understand.  I thought I would give it a try. I think it's part of learning more about who I am, or am not, as the case may be...

I've never been a patient person.

I've never been a quiet person.

I've never been good at letting go of control.

I've never had the desire to sky dive or swim with sharks.
I've never been an adrenaline junkie.
I've never sung karaoke.
I've never been to a karaoke bar.

I've never lived alone for more than a few months.
I've never owned a cat for more than a few months.

I've never been to Europe.
I have never gone on any extended trip alone.

I never thought I would have children.
I never thought I would be a good Mom.
I've never been more glad to be wrong.

I have never been more excited about life than I am right now.
I've never put myself high up on my priority list before.
I never thought I would go back to school in my thirties.

I've never been a very good housekeeper.
I've never mastered the art of keeping up with the laundry.
I never leave the bed unmade.
I've never been a "put things away when you are done using them" kind of girl.
I've never liked emptying the dishwasher or the groceries.
I've never minded doing the grocery shopping or loading the dishwasher.

I've never forgotten those whom I have loved.
I never thought I would lose some of them before it was "their" time.

I never knew how easy it could be to forgive.
I never knew how hard it could be to forgive.

I never knew that telling the truth could set you so free.

Taking It Back and Learning

I am taking my blog back!  I started this blog as a way to document how I feel about life and what's going on with me at any given moment but somewhere along the way it became about what I did and not who I am.  I'm a creative girl and I love to share the things I make with everyone but this year ... 2010 ... is all about learning who I really am and what I want in life... with that in mind I am going to post more about what I feel and think and not just what I create.  Know what I mean?  I hope so.

I thought I would start by sharing my word for 2010...

Learn -
–verb (used with object)
1. to acquire knowledge of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience: to learn French; to learn to ski.
2. to become informed of or acquainted with; ascertain: to learn the truth.
3. to memorize: He learned the poem so he could recite it at the dinner.
4. to gain (a habit, mannerism, etc.) by experience, exposure to example, or the like; acquire: She learned patience from her father.
5. (of a device or machine, esp. a computer) to perform an analogue of human learning with artificial intelligence.
6. Nonstandard. to instruct in; teach.
–verb (used without object) 7. to acquire knowledge or skill: to learn rapidly.
8. to become informed (usually fol. by of): to learn of an accident

I love that this word has so many ways to define it!  A few of the ways that I hope to learn this year are... I want to gain more knowledge about who I am.  I want to memorize me so that I can stand strong and secure in myself when the winds of change are blowing my way instead of bending to the will and desires of others.  I want to be informed of my options and then choose wisely based on that knowledge.  I want to acquire the knowledge that I need to start a career.... there are so many more things that I want to learn this year but these are the most important ones.  2010 is going to be a whole new adventure for me and I can't wait to begin!

What is your word for 2010?  If you're not familiar with the concept of choosing One Little Word for the year you can find more info about it here.

Happy New Year!