New Beginnings and Taking It Back... Again

Earlier this year I talked about taking back my blog, making it mine again, more of the domestic diary that I had intended for it to be... I started and then I got scared.

Scared to talk about this broken path I've been walking.
Scared to share the murky depths of my heart.
Scared of the the judgement from those who read my words but comment only to my loved ones... never directly to me.

Judgement is a terrifying thing because it is commonly based on a skewed and drastically inaccurate view of what has been said. 

But I am really tired of hiding out and being afraid. 

Living in fear is not really living at all.

So here's the scoop...

2010 has contained some of my highest highs and my lowest lows.  I have reached places inside my heart that I had not visited in over a decade.  I have given and taken second chances.  I have crawled under the covers and hidden from the world.  I have stood on the mountain tops for all the world to see.  Through all of this I have walked with God and He has pulled me close.

I'll be working on redoing some of this blog and begin sharing my true self with you over the next few weeks.  I've been so inspired by the fabulous women over at  the {in}Courage blog... head over and check them out, I promise you'll love it!

Thanks for being patient with me.

Hugs, Houston

By-Products of Love

*Originally Published in July 2009*

by-prod·uct –noun

1. a secondary or incidental product, as in a process of manufacture.

2. the result of another action, often unforeseen or unintended.

Origin:  1900–05

  

We had a guest speaker at church this week and he got up to talk about bravery in following Jesus.  The first point that he made was "Bravery is a by-product of love." these words were like an arrow piercing straight to my heart.  I wasn't thinking about them in the context of following Jesus, because truthfully I'm just not there right now, I'm still too wrapped up in me, the horrible honest truth is that I can't sometimes see His light because I'm drowning in the darkness that I've brought on myself... the funny thing is in all the decisions I've made this past year I thought I was being brave.

Our speaker proved this point by asking the age old question... "If your house was on fire what would you grab?"  Well of course you'd grab your children and pets, but would you really rush back into the inferno to save your photos or your favorite antiques? No, probably not.  I sat back and pondered what I would grab... Coley of course, the boys (read: dachshunds) and I'm sure I would try to grab my camera and a few precious loons of my Gram's off the mantle as I raced for the door, but would I go back into thick smoke for my computer, for my scrapbooks, for my jewelry? no.  I'm sure I would stand in the street, calm and collected (yes, tragedies are the only time in my life when I can remain calm, cool and collected) and be thankful that my son was alive, that is all that really matters; the person I love the most is safe and alive!

So I sat and pondered this point some more.  I thought about love. I thought about how bravery is just one by-product of love.  I've come to realize in the last year that love has many by-products, sometimes they are painful, including heartache and loss, and sometimes they are so deep that you can't even begin to find the words that describe them... such as the fact that you still want those who have hurt you, to find happiness and joy in life... there are no words for that but it's a by-product of love.  Of course the very best by-product of love is love itself; love can grow and multiply, it can survive devestation, love can soar over the tops of the trees and span huge distances of both time and space.  Love begets forgiveness, forgiveness begets freedom, freedom begets renewal, renewal begets life, life begets love... it goes round and round with so much in between. 

In the end all I really know about love is that it's huge; there is no one way to define or describe it.  Love has different forms and meanings.  Love is joyous and love is painful.  Love really is what makes the world go round because each day you wake up with the notion that today you will see someone you love, do something you love, or be someone who is loved.

It's A Journey

 

 



I was organizing and editing photos a few weeks ago and I noticed that over the last year I've taken fifty or so photos of roads.  I have pictures of everything from the busy interstate to meandering farm roads that are simply two trails of dirt leading through high grass.  After I noticed this I looked back over photos I had taken throughout my life and found that when I am in a season of uncertainty or great change I take lots of photos of the roads around me...

I have Polaroids of the bumpy dirt road that leads to my grandparent's house in Maine... the only place in my childhood that ever really felt like "home".

I have misty photos of the roads that I traveled over in the Yukon while on a long road trip with my grandparents... this was the summer before I went to Jr. High, always a time of transition... by the way you couldn't pay me enough to go back to Jr. High.

I have photos of the drive leading to Berkshire... boarding school, away from home, away from friends, filled with uncertainty... to be clear I chose to go away to school, it was not a punishment and I'm still really glad I had the experience.

I have photos of the roads leading to Steamboat through Wyoming... a last road trip before college that I took with my Dad... there was a whole speeding ticket fiasco, but we don't need to get into it ;)

and so on...

Last fall I went home to Fort Collins.  Yes, I had been there many times since we had moved away but I had never really been "home".  I was always careful to stay on the south end of town and to avoid places that held painful memories for me... I didn't do that last September... I booked a room at the Marriott and forced myself to visit all the places that haunted my dreams.  I allowed myself to feel the pain and fear associated with those places and the memories.  I visited the person with whom I had shared most of these moments.  I drove up to Horsetooth reservoir, sat on the rocks surrounding the water and just felt... I cried, I screamed; I am certain I looked totally crazy.  I drove up the Poudre Canyon and let myself just be, only me... alone but okay.  It was such a hard weekend.

The constant that remained throughout the weekend was that every place I went I took a picture of the roads... it was not done with conscious thought... I didn't even notice until now, a year later.
 

I realize now that I'm on a journey.  A journey that has no real beginning, other than birth, and possibly no real ending, other than death.  I cannot force myself to move faster.  My journey has it's own pace.  My companions along the way have their own pace and their own journeys.  I must walk alone sometimes.  Yet, I am never truly alone for the Lord is with me and He alone knows where my destination is. 

It's an interesting place for me to be, somewhere that has no definite, because I am a planner... I want to know what happens next and what exactly that means for me... so to be really clear I'm uncomfortable... and to tell the truth I actually kinda like it.

Are you uncomfortable?  Do you like it?  

Have you noticed any reoccurring themes in

your photos that are trying to tell you something?

Being Brave

brave:

[breyv]

–adjective

1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

2. making a fine appearance.
 
I've noticed that this word is constantly popping up in my life right now.  I've heard sermons on bravery, some of them talking about how the bravest thing we can do is to simply accept our lives and live them to the fullest, others talking about how chasing our dreams is the bravest thing we can do.  The truth is that though those two things sound in contrast to one another they don't have to be.  I

Veggies in Disguise... aka... Carrot Muffins

Happy Saturday! 

The recipe for these yummy muffins can be found here!

*** These muffins are a great way to get kids in the kitchen, older kids can peel and shred the carrots, measure ingredients, mix and scoop out the batter... plus they'll be eating veggies and that is always a bonus!***

Just Not A City Girl

The challenge at Studio Calico this week was to make a layout using neutrals, 'No problem' I thought... yeah um... not so easy to pick photos that work for that without changing them to black and white.  I have a drawer full of photos in my desk and I really want to branch out and use them for layouts that tell stories about me not about the place in the picture... know what I mean? 

Papers: Studio Calico, October Afternoon & Scenic Route

Black Letters and City Skyline: American Crafts

Mist: Granite Tattered Angels

Flowers: Prima

This is the layout I came up with.  It's pretty accurate about me...  I like to check out all the neat stuff that big cities have to offer, like the super yummy restaurants (I totally look for the dives because they have the best food) but I don't feel at home there... when I'm scared or sad or just confused about life it's the mountains that I run to.  I don't know if it's the feeling of isolation or safety that I like most but I know that whenever I need to calm my soul I hop in the car and drive to one of my favorite spots outside of town.

To stand on my soapbox for just a minute... I wanted to say that the more I look through my albums the more I realize that there isn't a whole lot about me in there, I've gotten better and better about making "me" layouts in the past few years but I want to do more.  I want my grandkiddos to know who I was and not just the things I took pictures of.  I want to present a whole pie of life and not just a slice.  What I'm trying to say is just make sure to include things about yourself in your albums... you family will thank you for it later!

So are you a city girl or something else? 
Where do you feel most at home?

Breathing and Scrapping

I'm alive... really I am... just wandering the web sometimes and staring at Tort Law books the rest of the time... although I have found time to scrap lately :)

Here are a few layouts I've done this past week... all of these are based on amazing sketches from Studio Calico!

Sweet Hansy smiling.

Mist: Apple Tattered Angels

Ribbon: American Crafts and Maya Road

Papers: Making Memories & Scenic Route

Stamps: Studio Calico

My sweet love.

Papers: Studio Calico, October Afternoon & Lily Bee

Journaling Tag: Little Yellow Bicycle

Tickets: Jenni Bowlin (Button as well) & Tim Holtz

Brads, sweet and love: American Crafts

Hearts and my: QuicKutz (Heart in Circle & zoe alpha)

He really is the best kid ever!

Papers: Cosmo Cricket & Studio Calico

Fabric Rip Strips: Studio Calico

Best: 7 Gypsies

Mist: Apple Tattered Angels

Paint: Making Memories

Ranger Distress Ink in Old Paper

Buttons by April Foster

I hope you're all having a wonderful and creative week!